Notice: Undefined index: banner_ad_width in /home/ayekooto/public_html/wp-content/plugins/quick-adsense-reloaded/includes/render-ad-functions.php on line 359
Notice: Undefined index: image_width in /home/ayekooto/public_html/wp-content/plugins/quick-adsense-reloaded/includes/render-ad-functions.php on line 359
Notice: Undefined index: banner_ad_height in /home/ayekooto/public_html/wp-content/plugins/quick-adsense-reloaded/includes/render-ad-functions.php on line 360
Notice: Undefined index: image_height in /home/ayekooto/public_html/wp-content/plugins/quick-adsense-reloaded/includes/render-ad-functions.php on line 360
There are no easy, smart and concise way of saying this and effectively passing the information across. So, I will just write as much as I can and hope that at least those who it concern will find the time to read it.
Most of us have experienced or are experiencing hostilities (I am strictly speaking about Verbal hostilities) in our relationships. We remember when we started and how romantic and fairytale-like t was and we wondered what went wrong? When and how did we miss it? We look at our relationships and couldn’t even recognize them. We look at our partners, and we cannot reconcile them with the same person we fell in love with, the person whose words were full of sugar and honey, whose arms we lose all the cares, fears and worries about this life, in whose presence all else ceases to exist. We ask ourselves, what happened? How come the person who was so easy to talk to then (no matter the subject) becomes so difficult to approach and reason with? Were they pretending all along? The subject of pretense might be a valid point in some instances but for the intent of this write up I am assuming it isn’t the case. So what happened?
While I cannot even begin or attempt to assume however remotely that I have all the answers or even the most competent councilor in the issues of relationship, I however want point out a few of the following facts in the hope and belief that it might help someone out there and let me say this upfront, having good relationships like most vital human interactions entails that we continuous studies for self-improvements and other advantages that we get through reading, so I will encourage you to explore books and articles on the subject from time to time. You are not perfect, and cannot be, but that does not mean you should stop exploring ways to improve yourself and your interactions with those around you. I told you it is going to be lengthy, I have not even began look how much you have had to read. I commend you and encourage you to read till the end, if you had come this far and don’t forget to let me know your thoughts on the subjects and corrections in the comment box, so let’s begin.
The strength of your relationship most cases are determined from the time you first had your first disagreement, not before. How able and how willing the both of you are able to work it out and how quick you move past it says it all (In most cases, I said). A philosopher (I can’t quite remember who) once pointed out that most disagreements between two or more persons has at their base, a desire for more love and I believe this to be true. That is to say that, most fights no matter how it starts or the subjects of the fights are primarily one person or both persons demanding more love and more attention from their partners. The problem however, is how we go about it.
The subject is verbal hostilities in our relationships. Three major culprits (If you consider it very well) of verbal hostilities in relationships are impatience, ego (Pride) and carelessness due to over familiarity and then we might add a fourth; which is lack of understanding.
Most of us are not very patient with our spouses. Yours sincerely is guilty of this (What can I say, I am not perfect). We have this assumption deeply imbedded in our subconscious that our partners most know this or that; so we get disappointed when they act contrary to our expectations. This can be said to be due to over expectations, so we lash out in our disappointments when our expectations are not met and if it is not properly checked it begins a trend of repeated hostility, particularly when we instead of holding back, fight back, when instead of giving our time, love and attention we demand; maybe explanations, rationality, and even forgiveness. This attitude most cases instead of ameliorating the circumstance, exacerbates it. More problems after problems, the chain begins.
Ego:
Most times (unconscious to us) we act primarily from our over bloated egos. Where instead of nipping a quarrel from its bud by acknowledging our weakness and imperfections, we try to justify our actions and demand unrealistic accommodation of our ill-acts from our partners. When you are challenged, why not apologize sincerely first, and in the right time and place, explain why we acted or said or reasoned the way we did. A lot of problems we have in our relationships wouldn’t have even come up if only we know how to say ‘Am sorry’ at the very beginning and not when the trouble has escalated to a point unhealthy for the relationship. What will it cost you to say, I am sorry (Even when you think you are right, to save the moment and then much later explain in good tone, your position)? You damn right, it will cost you your ego (Which is not even you. I know you might not understand this statement except if you had taken a course in higher consciousness: Your ego is your greatest enemy).
Carelessness due to over familiarity:
Most of us are guilty as far as this goes (particularly the guys). At the initial stage of your relationship, you are always texting, communicating, calling up just to say hi, all to make sure you get the complete love of the other person. You are not easily flared up, you can explain a thing a million time happily. So what happened now? I’ll tell you what happened, your subconscious have bought the idea that you have won this person over, you are the centre of their world, so there is no need for those extra niceties. But that is the biggest lie of the century, if the person can’t exist without you, how did they exist without their exes? I once read somewhere, that when you realize the possibility of losing a thing, you will learn to value it. Most of us don’t realize we are losing our partners until it becomes too late. If those extra niceties made the relationship so sweet then, don’t you think it is foolishness to forget about them and expect the same level of commitment and loyalty from our partners?
Lack of understanding:
A familiar scripture comes to mind: “My people perish for lack of understand” My dear reader, if lack of understanding can perish a people, trust me, it can destroy your relationship so fast that you wonder what hit you. We live in a culture with a speedily declining reading culture. Very few people take the time to read subjects that bothers about human managements, self-improvements, relationships, etc. and the result is what we have today: a society that have failed in the most important aspect of life: Family units, relationships with people, etc. divorce rate is higher today than anytime in human history. Relationships break up as fast as they began. We have people jumping in and out of relationship and here is the worst part: they blame every other person and thing other than themselves. KNOW THIS TRUTH TODAY: YOU ARE THE SOLE DESIGHNER OF YOUR LIFE. Nobody and nobody else is responsible for your failed relationships. If you have the right understanding, you will start from choosing partners that fits you, your purpose in life, you will start by knowing that your partner is not you, and cannot think like you, you will know how to say sorry, how to manage him or her, and to pick up yourself when you failed.
This is already too long, I wanted to continue with what can be done when you find you are in that place of verbal hostility in your relationship. In fact, you try if you had read this up to this point.
While I prepare for the next part, it is my pleasure to remain Justice Christopher
Still trying to make your facebook time worthwhile while you have some fun
Olutoki Feyishayo Funmi
08038226106
Comment here